When I think about Loving Myself into My Purpose, I think about putting love at the forefront of all that I do. For me God is love , so I put God first and strive to love self and others the way God loves us. In my opinion to love is a choice. Just as one can choose to see the “glass half empty” or the “glass half full”, you can choose to love halfway or love fully. .
Most of my young adulthood I had seen the glass half empty and because of it did not love self or others fully . At the age of 13 I got into my first relationship with a 16 year old , I was too young to understand and process the toxicity that existed in the relationship but I was too grown (at least I thought I was) to take sound advice . That relationship changed my life at the time ,I focused a lot on building someone else up while I was being broken down.
For a few years I allowed the depression , anger , trauma and negativity to be the author of my life and love of self and others took a back seat .Although I had a loving, praying , tight support system, I shut them out and gravitated towards pain.
Pain was the author of my life and it manifested in all that I did. I lost close relationships , I lost motivation to complete tasks in and out of school , I lost my excitement , I lost my bubbly personality and spark that I was born with , most of all I lost myself.
Junior year of high school I started yearning for change. I no longer wanted to be trapped in anger. I no longer wanted negativity and toxicity to rule my mind, my body and my spirit. However, I could not seem to escape the dark cloud that hovered over me everywhere I went. Or maybe I ran toward the dark cloud because I became so comfortable and familiar with the feelings of pain.
I continued to do what I was comfortable with and that was maintaining toxic relationships , being rebellious , defying authority , and basking trouble .
It got to the point where my parents would go to church and morning prayer during the week just to pray to God that their daughter would come back , the sweet , bubbly , well mannered , intelligent daughter that they raised - I didn’t care.
I would fight with my parents and siblings all the time , most times for no reason , I hated myself and therefore I hated others , even if they loved me.
Senior year of high school my parents said I had to go to college out of state , home was “too troublesome” for me and I was on a path of self destruction. I fought with them on this decision but applied out of state anyway . I applied to Spelman College and I got in. Unlike many young black girls , it was not my dream to attend Spelman. I was actually angered by this acceptance . I made a deal with my mom . “Mom , I will go to Spelman for one semester and then I’m transferring to Northeastern”. I’m laughing to myself as I remember this very moment . My mom said confidently “ok baby, just give it a try “ looking back she knew once I entered the Spelman Gates that I wouldn’t return home until after graduation , she was right .
Once entering the Spelman Gates , I felt an immediate shift in my life . I felt a sense of relief and joy . Two feelings that had been so foreign to me for so long . I was finally around people that looked like me , challenged me to be better , encouraged my growth , supported my visions and prayed for me . I thought this was a dream , it was a dream, but it became my reality. This experience and euphoric state that became my reality ignited my journey to loving myself into my purpose.
I grew so much during my Spelman years , I started healing from the things that once broke me and I started forming healthy relationships with self and others . I started reflecting and processing the damage that was done and I couldn’t believe how much work I had to do to undo it . However, I was determined and committed to this healing process.
Though Spelman ignited this powerful change in my life through developing lifelong sisterhood , service , academic achievement and global competenece, I still had a long way to go on my self love journey .
However, the process had begun and the journey into loving myself into my purpose has no final destination.
